Hidden pride and self-doubt
My enormous ego and equally huge amount of self-doubt are colliding into colourful fireworks.
I am proud. I was raised to be an independent, self-sustained and ambitious individual. My parents almost never congratulated me for my academic results. I have done most of my life-changing choices myself—although one might say that choosing a field of study and a country to study abroad isn’t that much of a life-changing choice. They pushed me to succeed, no matter how. They taught me never to depend on anything or anyone. And they taught me to hide this behind a veil of modesty. Yet they never taught me to fail. Nor did they teach me how to take compliments, by the way.
I have ideals. But I’m also keen on reaching a compromise. I have giant dreams, but I’m also a pragmatic. Which makes me a bit lunatic sometimes: one day, I’m eagerly optimistic; the day after, reality hits back and pulls me down. And then I doubt. Especially because failure, even the tiniest one, hits me so hard. And compliments stress me out.
I’m hyperactive. I love to do a thousand things at the same time. I can be a perfectionist. But I learned when to stop fiddling with details. I hate showing a final product that is just ‘good enough’, but sometimes my overworked brain says ‘stop’, and I have to settle with the ‘good enough’ version. Being constantly busy with something relieves me from the permanent self-doubting that takes place when I do nothing.
But because of this constant hyperactivity, I also need some personal, solitary downtime. Very personal, and also very ‘down’. Just to re-focus myself. But not too long so that the doubts won’t come again.
I have the same reaction to social relationships. I love meeting new people, making connections with a diverse crowd. I like listening to inspiring talks, reading investigative stories. I’m quite a heavy Twitter user. Yet sometimes I feel the need to isolate myself and just breathe in some fresh air. Just me and the sun. (Yes, I just started watching and following some beginner yoga videos.)
Recently I have been trying to make writing a relaxing activity that I could do as a “downtime occupation”. I am realizing that this is finally a bit too demanding, especially as English is not really my first language… Sorry to those whom I owe some articles.
And above all, I’m wondering whether I really want to share the things I’m writing recently.
Oh well.
That’s posted.
